Simon Cowell Reviews My Son’s Music Class Performance

I honestly don’t know where to begin. This performance was all over the place. A slow start, a jumbled middle, a slow end. At first none of you would sing, and then when you did, it was like ordering a ferocious guard dog for your home and getting delivered a poodle in a leather jacket instead.

I don’t mean to be rude, but you’re all so bland — I can’t remember any of your names. But the one in the red and blue striped shirt, yes, you, the one who held his hands over his face the whole time — why were you out here? If you’re not going to perform, just stay home! And the same goes for the two of you who ran off and hid by one of your teachers. It’s not as if you didn’t have fans in the audience, and you came out here and were a big disappointment for them.

Then there’s the girl in the blue blouse. I couldn’t understand a single word you said. You sing like Mickey Mouse on helium. When you led the group around in a circle I was ready for you to lead the singing as well. If you were leading the singing, you lead it right off a cliff.

And your choice of song selection was terrible. “Wheels on the Bus”? I never want to hear that song again. I cannot stand it. I’m allergic to it. And that one song about the animals growling and leaping and so on, I think that was a complete and utter mess. It didn’t really work — it was all over the place. You all were forgetting your words. I mean, I really, really, really hated that song.

I think this was a complete and utter waste of the judges’ time and America’s time. Most of you didn’t sing, and those of you who did, like the little one in the Thomas the Tank Engine shirt, were off-key and off-tempo. My advice to all of you would be, if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don’t.

Look, there’s no need to cry. Why are all of you crying? This isn’t kindergarten! We aren’t handing out gold stars for effort; we’re finding stars, not feeling sorry for people who aren’t very good. It’s no use giving somebody false hopes and not following through. You want to show me up? Come back and wow us next year.

I hope you lot are much better at running and playing on the playground than you are singing, because if not, God help you all.

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