In 1st Edition D&D, Liza Would Be an Elf

Liza has developed her superpower early. She has the uncanny ability to sense an open door or drawer, rush to it, and find the most dangerous thing to try to eat. If you leave the pantry door open in the kitchen, she crawls in and begins chewing on the metalized sack of coffee beans. If you leave the guest bathroom door open, in minutes she’s pulled up on the toilet and licking it[1].

This is especially troubling in our bathroom, which has some twenty-seven doors and sixty drawers. In the morning, we usually put her in the middle of the bathroom while we shower and primp in front of the mirror. She plays happily with her toys until she grows bored and starts following her danger sense. I left the shower door open the other day and she crawled in, splashing happily while her diaper grew fat from the left-over water.

Today was the worst. While I was showering, Liza discovered that Misty had left her closet door open. I came out to find her eating Misty’s shoes. When I went into my closet to dress, I left my cabinet door open and she grabbed my pack of razors to chew on. I pulled it out of her hands and closed the cabinet, only to find she’d crawled behind me, gone into my closet, and buried her face in a plastic bag. I moved her out of the closet and finished dressing, and she’d pulled up on the cabinet drawers and had opened the top drawer into her forehead.

Closing doors works for now, but that’s a stop-gap measure. Already she’s figured out how to slide open the shower door. She is now smarter than a dog. Fortunately we’re soon going to put her on a leash and restore her to pet-hood.

[1] In terms of grossness, that’s nothing. On one trip back to Arkansas, we stopped at a truck stop in West Memphis. Misty took Eli into the bathroom to change his diaper and to go herself. When put down, Eli instantly fell to hands and knees and licked the floor. (back)

3 thoughts on “In 1st Edition D&D, Liza Would Be an Elf

  1. We had an exersaucer in our bathroom for about a year for this very reason. I didn’t like jumping out of the shower every minute and a half.

  2. See, we never had problems like this because we didn’t have free-range kids: bed to playpen to fenced yard to…. I think this deprivation of freedom resulted in their being permissive with their offspring resulting in such unacceptable behavior. SIGH! Sorry we went so wrong!

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