I Like My Coffee Like I Like My Post

I like my coffee like I like my women: in a plastic cup.

I like my coffee like I like my men: rich, strong, and hot.

I like my coffee like I like my men: tied up on the back of a mule led by Juan Valdez.

I like my coffee like I like my exes: finely ground and dark-roasted.

I like my coffee like I like my emotional crises: bittersweet.

I like my coffee like I like my comedy: black and full-flavored.

I like my coffee like I like my hair: black and in excess.

I like my coffee like I like my workplaces: cold and corporate.

I like my coffee like I like my news: white and bitter.

I like my coffee like I like my first person shooters: covered in bees.

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3 Comments

  1. on March 12, 2009 at 5:44 pm | Permalink

    So, I’m reading along with a slight smile, la la la-ing through the tongue-in-cheek (well, except Dannyman), when I get smacked with the mental picture of ‘first-person shooters covered in bees.’

    I have no clue what this means or why you would equate it to coffee, but then, I’ve been off the internets for a while. So I check it out. Now, I’ve never played, uh, what is that game? Bioshock? Honestly, I’ve never even heard of it. And I felt even more like a dunderhead when I started to read about Plasmids as if they were real things. In my defense, it wasn’t immediately apparent that I was a gaming site. I thought I had been lured into one of those Creationist sites and should expect to see dinosaurs eating coconuts at any time. See, plasmids are made from Adam’s stem cells or something, and genetically modify you to cause all kinds of hideous damage to your enemies, hopefully without your Eve getting too low. Hmmmm….?

    And now I have the terrific mental picture of being swarmed with stinging nasty things during my morning coffee, or maybe just swallowing a couple of them by accident. Thanks for that.

  2. on March 13, 2009 at 12:29 pm | Permalink

    That last one’s a bit of randomness, and is several odd references packed into one. The “I like my women like I like my coffee: covered in bees!” comes from the same Eddie Izzard bit as the “in a plastic cup”. And in the game Bioshock, you have the ability to modify yourself to shoot electricity, be invisible — and shoot bees from your hands to cover your enemies. Tah dah!

  3. on March 20, 2009 at 10:06 am | Permalink

    I’ve always been partial to “I like my coffee like I like my women: With really big breasts. Hardly ever get it that way, though.”