Songs especially are a minefield.

My Mom and I were part of a group from our church who was asked quite often to sing at funerals. It got kinda surreal after a few times. At the same time, I was quite serious about it. It felt like one of those ways I actually could help.

Worst are the ones who see funerals as an opportunity to convert mourners to Christianity

Yeah. I’ve seen this happen more than once. Strongly suspected in one case that the people speaking took MUCH liberty in talking about “what he would want.” Made me quite peeved.

Then there are those who understand, who hold you for a moment and say, “I’m so sorry.”

I’m glad to hear this helps. Given that I don’t really have legitimate access to the standard Xtian platitudes these days, it’s about all I really can say. That, and “I’m here.” I do try hard to squelch the need to just say something because it feels like the space needs to be filled.

I think death is something that should always make us uncomfortable and we say stupid things when we are uncomfortable.

People say the most unkind, unthinking things, shoveling words into the empty space the deceased has left.

Yeah.

[And man, I'm so with you on the pallbearing thing.]