Liza Red in Toothless Maw

Dear Liza,

You’ve been teething for quite some time now, and frankly, it’s time you stopped. It’s making you irritable, causing you to wake up six or seven times in the night. You have diarrhea. You have occasional fever. You will not be soothed.

We’re not doing so well, your mom and I. We’d gotten soft, lazing about in our bed for six, seven, sometimes eight hours a night. You were only waking up once or twice in the night. Some nights, I never had to get out of bed.

No more. Now that your teeth are imminent, you’ve been cutting them and cutting into our sleep schedule.

Teeth are overrated, really. I know, I know, everyone else has them, but you know what? They’re a hassle. You have to brush your teeth and floss them, or else they rot. Every six months you have to go to the dentist, who will take very sharp picks and scrape them along your teeth like a shopping cart along the side of a car. You’ll probably get to have braces. Your mom and I will pay good money for people to string poky bits of wire between your teeth. In theory the wire will straighten them, but mainly they’ll rub the inside of your lips raw and broadcast the WLRH fund drives into your nasal cavities.

Shall I go on? Regardless of how well you take care of your teeth, you’ll probably have cavities. Then the dentist will have to drill it out, hot tooth chips flying about in your mouth and onto your lips. And the sound! Do you know what a dentist’s drill sounds like? It sounds like this. Ask for the nitrous oxide, that’s all I’ve got to say. And I haven’t even talked about root canals!

Who needs teeth? You can eat milkshakes without them, and blender technology is improving in leaps and bounds. There are whole websites dedicated to blending things not meant to be blended, and if your blender can handle an iPhone, surely it can handle a pork loin with mixed vegetables.

So what do you say you cut out the teeth instead of cutting them? We’ll invest in the most powerful blender we can find and everyone will sleep better. Do we have a deal?


Your Dad.

1 thought on “Liza Red in Toothless Maw

  1. Liza,

    I would gladly take care of you until you have all your teeth if someone could take my place at work for that time.


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