Were you aware that people debate politics a lot on the Internet? I know! It was a surprise to me, too! It’s been driven by the eighty-two debates that the Republican and Democratic candidates for US President have had, a product of the ever-earlier campaign season. By 2015 we’ll see people running for the 2020 Presidency. It’s just like the Christmas shopping season in that regard, a Christmas season in which the only gifts we get are giant pitchers of phlegm.
Regardless, people on the Internet have debated what it would mean to the US if so-and-so is nominated. Everyone’s focused on taxes, the Iraq war, healthcare, and other such issues. But what about the less-obvious ramifications of each candidate’s nomination? That, my friends, is what we should be paying attention to.
Let’s get started, shall we? Here’s a taste of what might happen if each of the following candidates wins their party’s nomination.
Mike Huckabee: Steven Colbert begins work on a rival weight-loss book.
John Edwards: Haircut jokes permanently replace the “Al Gore invented the internet” jokes.
John McCain: The Air Force quietly asks Boeing to bid on a new plane, Straight Talk One.
Hillary Clinton: The Democrats have their first nominee who’s worn dresses in public. Mothers everywhere tear up their kids’ kindergarten essays about wanting to be President, just in case.
Mitt Romney: Republican opponents who had made “…and two wives in every kitchen” jokes shake Romney’s hand and pretend they never said such a thing.
Dennis Kucinich: The domain squatters who own ismyfirstladyhotornot.com get a lot of money.
Rudy Giuliani: The Republicans have their first nominee who’s worn dresses in public.
Ron Paul: William Jennings Bryan claws his way out of his grave to put his “Cross of Gold” speech on YouTube.
Barack Obama: Alan Keyes’s head explodes.
Clearly, I am to hard-hitting investigative journalism what the White Star Line is to travel accommodations.