China to Bail Out Faltering US Economy

Calling the United States “too big to fail”, the People’s Republic of China today loaned the USA up to US$1 trillion in exchange for a 79.9% equity stake in the country. The country’s management will also be replaced, though President Hu Jintao has not yet named the new leaders.

“The collapse of the United States would have sent ripples through the entire world,” said Zhou Xiaochuan, governor of the People’s Bank of China. “We had this giant pile of cash — Euros, thankfully — and thought, hey, why not rescue the US?”

A visibly shaken President Bush addressed the nation this morning. “This deal is good for the economy. It’s good for America. It is the best deal for all parties, Republican, Democratic, and Communist.” He then said, “They said if I was good I could keep my job through January.”

Speaking in a rare joint appearance, the current Democratic and Republican presidential candidates denounced the move. “While I have been a strong proponent of change, really I meant changing things so that I was President,” said Obama.

McCain added, “Have I mentioned that I was a P.O.W.?”

Sources within the campaigns have since confirmed that both candidates have begun negotiations with top Chinese officials to be the next Governor of the Republic of USA.

9 thoughts on “China to Bail Out Faltering US Economy

  1. Being like The Onion isn’t a bad thing. I’ve read it since college. It’s a Wednesday lunch-time staple.

  2. come now, no prudent investor wants 79.9% stakes. 60% is already high enough, and this is already a risky investment.

  3. hilarious, but sadly not impossible. Although I think it might not work, as my family firmly believes that the Saudi’s already own us. I mean we sell them grain for $7 a bushel but get oil for $70 or so a barrell….

  4. Bravo, LIVE GRENADES, just what I was thinking.
    It may well be happening as we type. Good investment really, since young Chinese males will have to come to the US for their Chinese brides who’ve been adopted and raised as Americans.
    I’m learning Mandarin as fast as I can.

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