I Should Get Some Muscle Relaxants

A while back I injured my lower back playing racquetball. I say that I injured it playing racquetball, which makes it sound like a real injury that I sustained while doing manly, athletic things, but in reality I injured it bending over to serve.

Once my back got to feeling better, I resumed my real exercise: Dad Jungle Gym. Every night I sit on the floor and let Liza and Eli climb all over me. They have a lot of fun. I mostly have an interesting collection of bruises.

Of course this re-injured my back.

Hindsight being what it is, I only realized that letting Eli push me over, climb on top of my back, and jump up and down might not be the best thing until I woke up the next morning unable to bend over. But I don’t want to give up Dad Jungle Gym! I’d lose the chance to sit with Eli later that night and make new constellations out of my bruises. The only real solution is for Eli and Liza to go on diets.

That’s going to be tricky, given their wildly divergent eating habits. Given Eli’s love of chicken fingers the Atkins Diet is a natural fit, but he wouldn’t be able to cram crackers in his mouth. How can I drain the joy out of his life like that? A life that doesn’t include a cracker-filled mouth every hour or so is not a life worth living. Perhaps I could create a hybrid of the Atkins Diet and the rice diet.

Liza, well, she’ll just have to become a Breatharian.

7 thoughts on “I Should Get Some Muscle Relaxants

  1. As a fellow Breatharian, I know how tough it can be to breath non-murdered air molecules. My advice….purchase an oxygen tank..only organic oxygen will do. Little nostril tubes can also be purchased from hospital surplus. They must be organic as well. If none are available, carefully core string cheese. (the Vegans won’t mind). Not only is it fun sticking cheese up your nasal cavity, it makes the Organic Oxygen smell great!

  2. Stephen,

    Oh absolutely! “They” make child size tanks that are lined with organic foam rubber and non toxic to boot! It also is great to find non-toxic organic paint (I mean, come on, we don’t want to murder even MORE molecules) and stencil butterflies or flowers on the ORGANIC foam rubber. Completely doable. Absolutely. Oh yeah.

  3. Sorry about the back. Believe me, I empathize. My 3rd (and final) facet injection has once again done nothing. Next time, they’re going in with little electrodes to literally destroy my nerves in those joints. Sounds like fun.

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