The Five Stages of Kübler-Ross Gardening

1. Denial. “This’ll be fun! I’ll plant some bushes and shrubs and pretty pretty flowers, and the butterflies will cavort in the foliage.”

2. Anger. “I don’t have a yard, I have a pile of rocks and a thin layer of dirt! And the soil I bought smells like shit! And the sun is hot, and I think the plants are dying! I can’t believe someone talked me into this!”

3. Bargaining. “Please, let me be done with this. My legs hurt and there’s blood running from the blisters on my hands. And don’t let the plants die. You can have my firstborn and all of my pets if you’ll just make this be over.”

4. Depression. “All of my bushes are drooping. The leaves are falling off of them. That flower wasn’t brown and crispy when I started. I’m a lousy person. I can’t even keep plants alive. I’m surprised I can keep myself alive.”

5. Acceptance. “Hey, the natural yard look is in this year. And it’s okay if all the plants die. I’ll claim that I grew up in Arizona and so I want my garden to look like a barren wasteland.”