The Five Stages of Kübler-Ross Gardening

1. Denial. “This’ll be fun! I’ll plant some bushes and shrubs and pretty pretty flowers, and the butterflies will cavort in the foliage.”

2. Anger. “I don’t have a yard, I have a pile of rocks and a thin layer of dirt! And the soil I bought smells like shit! And the sun is hot, and I think the plants are dying! I can’t believe someone talked me into this!”

3. Bargaining. “Please, let me be done with this. My legs hurt and there’s blood running from the blisters on my hands. And don’t let the plants die. You can have my firstborn and all of my pets if you’ll just make this be over.”

4. Depression. “All of my bushes are drooping. The leaves are falling off of them. That flower wasn’t brown and crispy when I started. I’m a lousy person. I can’t even keep plants alive. I’m surprised I can keep myself alive.”

5. Acceptance. “Hey, the natural yard look is in this year. And it’s okay if all the plants die. I’ll claim that I grew up in Arizona and so I want my garden to look like a barren wasteland.”

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7 Comments

  1. Stephanie Files
    on July 2, 2008 at 8:52 am | Permalink

    Where are the incredible MISTY PHOTOGRAPHS to accompany all the stages?? You know the ones that make us all want to run out and buy a Rebel.

  2. on July 2, 2008 at 9:11 am | Permalink

    Since we didn’t get pictures, instead you’ll have to imagine me getting sadder and more frustrated until I am kneeling in the sod and the mulch, clenched fists raised to the sky while I shriek, “Why, God, why?”

  3. LB
    on July 2, 2008 at 9:18 am | Permalink

    This is one of the reasons I live in an apartment. Where someone else makes the gardening purchases and does the work.

  4. Stephanie Files
    on July 2, 2008 at 10:28 am | Permalink

    I would offer help and hope, but alas, my thumb is as brown as it comes…

  5. on July 2, 2008 at 3:19 pm | Permalink

    Puh-reach it brother. I’m so down with these stages that I cycle through them daily, until blessed winter rolls around at mid-October and slays the few achievements and blankets the myriad errors in a sweet, frozen glaze.

    Erg.

  6. kat
    on July 6, 2008 at 7:57 pm | Permalink

    Hey, Arizona yards aren’t barren wastelands! We’ve got lots of pretty plants in our yards. We just don’t bother with grass when it would cost us our mortgage to keep it watered.

  7. Lisa
    on July 6, 2008 at 9:54 pm | Permalink

    LOL! I’m about a week behind checking in on Casa Granade.
    Consider this an arm around the shoulder and a, “This, too, shall pass,” from someone with many gardening misadventures under her belt. I have also waited for the late fall and the relief Xdpaul describes!