Death to Zima

I had a friend in grad school who eventually left physics behind to become a brewmaster. He was a fan of beer, which put him in the same league as, oh, say, Wrigley Field spectators, but he backed that up with a lot of knowledge about beer. He also hated Zima, with a passion and ferocity normally reserved for your political opposition. He once stated that he wanted to invent time travel, go back in time, and kill the guy who invented Zima. When the TV show Babylon 5 featured a Zima sign in the space station’s bar, I’m sure his blood pressure skyrocketed.

Now he doesn’t have to invent time travel: a mere sixteen years after its introduction, MillerCoors is killing off the beverage. I love that they’re getting rid of it because of “challenging malternative segment sales and declining consumer interest.” Malternatives! I will have to spend the rest of the day saying “malternative” to people. There’s something about portmanteau words like that that make me feel all tingly and happy.

Now I just have to invent Martineer, the metrosexual malternative.



  1. Jody
    on October 20, 2008 at 8:12 pm | Permalink

    Guess people will now need to find zomething different.
    I shed no tears over the death of that insipid liquid.
    Give me Spitfire or give me Pie.
    That is all

  2. Lynnea
    on October 20, 2008 at 10:09 pm | Permalink

    I think JT liked Zima. I could be wrong, I am recovering from my traditional Baptist lack of knowledge in these sort of things.
    Uh, and now you are my Sunday School teacher…

  3. on October 20, 2008 at 10:14 pm | Permalink

    I am so getting you drunk on Mike’s Hard Lemonades on election night.

  4. Kismet
    on October 21, 2008 at 8:12 am | Permalink

    I have to say, I love how your brain works Doc. I mean seriously, you are so oddly humorous, it is much appreciated.

  5. on October 21, 2008 at 8:36 am | Permalink

    Lynnea, you can tell how much I know about this subject by the fact that “malternative” is a new term to me.

  6. Jearl
    on October 21, 2008 at 1:25 pm | Permalink

    Ha ha ha ha ha!
    What a perfect word with which to express my beersnobbery.
    Which I don’t do out loud because it’s rude.
    It’ll just be you and me, in my head, malternative.

  7. Lisa
    on October 23, 2008 at 2:13 am | Permalink


    I still remember gritting my teeth to down my first swallow of Zima… every fiber of my being was screaming, “Spit!” I succeeded only because of my deep friendship with the misguided soul who said, “You’ve got to try this – it’s great!” At least they were sufficiently close for me to be able to say, “I guess I’m just a beer traditionalist,” next, instead putting my teeth to further use by lying through them.

  8. Lisa
    on October 23, 2008 at 2:15 am | Permalink

    On the other hand, perhaps Zima was not totally worthless. I’ve added “malternative” to my vocabulary.

  9. on October 25, 2008 at 2:28 pm | Permalink

    Zima is the stuff that fratty, dimwitted sons of theology professors get trashed on in the practice room before they nearly burn down the music building by setting fire to posts on the bulletin board. And then get off with a semester-grade-nullifying slap on the wrist amid a cloud of controversy.

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