Monthly Archives: March 2009

Eli Achieves Sentience

“So I press Tivo Man and that brings up the menu. Then I do ‘Now Playing’ and press select. Then I find ‘Wow Wow Wubzy’. Then I press select. Then I pick a show and press play.”

It occurs to me that Eli will never know a time when you couldn’t choose what TV show you […]

Funerals

I am waiting in the funeral home foyer, listening to the grandfather clock across from me tick, tick, tick. I am standing with the other pallbearers. The clock’s big hand points to the phrase TEMPUS FUGIT.

I’ve been a pallbearer at three funerals now. When the time comes you lift the casket, marveling at how heavy […]

Kutiman Bricolages YouTube Videos Into New Music

As usual, I’m about a week behind the Internet, but in case you’re further behind than me, you really really really need to look at Thru You. Israeli musician Kutiman has created an album of songs spliced together from YouTube videos, and the result is astounding. Please understand, I’m talking about honest-to-goodness songs, good ones, […]

I Like My Coffee Like I Like My Post

I like my coffee like I like my women: in a plastic cup.

I like my coffee like I like my men: rich, strong, and hot.

I like my coffee like I like my men: tied up on the back of a mule led by Juan Valdez.

I like my coffee like I like my exes: finely ground […]

Taking Care

I’d like to be able to say that it gets easier to prepare for a trip home to go to a funeral. In some ways, the packing and managing of our lives to get ready to go has gotten easier with practice. Remembering to take Liza’s sound machine and to hold the mail before we […]

The Robi-Robots Story

by Eli

Once upon a time, there was a green-headed robot. He was lonely and very sad. But…he had no friends. But then one day, he met a purple-headed robot, Joe.

“How do you do, Joe?” said Sparky. (Mom, the purple-headed one is Sparky.)

“Good!” said Joe.

“Good!” said Sparky.

“But we don’t have any more friends!”

“You’re right!” said Sparky.

“We […]

The Best Part is That I Took This Picture in Bald Knob

From a gas station restroom in Bald Knob, Arkansas:

I knew “politically (in)correct” had become meaningless terms, but this confirms it. What exactly is a politically incorrect novelty? “Look, honey, this condom makes fun of cripples!”