Rules I Never Expected to Make

“We’re going to the gardens, but don’t roll around in the sand.”

“Noodles go in your mouth, but your plastic snake doesn’t.”

“No shrieking while dad’s on the phone.”

“Sure, grab some pretzels from the pantry while we sleep in.”

“If you’re going to squash your sister, do it gently.”

“Get off the couch with your peanut butter hands!”

“Don’t wake us up from our nap, just go play on the computer.”

“Don’t carry the dog ball around in your mouth.”

“Dad’s underwear doesn’t go on your head.”

“Please, just let me go to the bathroom by myself.”

The joys of parenthood are often countless.

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16 Comments

  1. kristin
    on September 14, 2009 at 3:50 pm | Permalink

    i can identify with some of these. parenthood…ain’t it grand!

  2. on September 14, 2009 at 3:52 pm | Permalink

    Yup. I think all of those phrases have been said by us as well. Either exactly, or close-enough to it.

    One of my household favorites is, “If you’ll quit stomping on the cat, then he won’t scratch you.”

  3. katre
    on September 14, 2009 at 4:29 pm | Permalink

    Nice collection. I’ve started making Z walk from the dinner table to the bathroom sink with his hands in the air, like I caught him robbing a bank. It’s usually interspersed with things like “No! Don’t put your filthy hands on that! Don’t stop to pet the cat!”

  4. on September 14, 2009 at 4:57 pm | Permalink

    My parents also made rule #3. It worked really well when I came home bleeding from a run-in with a fire hydrant.

  5. markm
    on September 14, 2009 at 5:36 pm | Permalink

    Aleph-null or Aleph-one?

  6. Joyous
    on September 14, 2009 at 5:51 pm | Permalink

    When we stayed with Mary, it was “No, Z, that’s dangerous. Go play with the chainsaw.”

  7. kat
    on September 14, 2009 at 10:09 pm | Permalink

    *snicker* I can picture a perfect scenario for each one of these “rules” 🙂

  8. Anon
    on September 15, 2009 at 12:13 am | Permalink

    “Please keep the horseradish away from your vagina.” — said to my naked 2 year old as she ate horseradish while fingering herself.

    /anon because I don’t want to scar her for life once she finds out about google.

  9. on September 16, 2009 at 8:24 am | Permalink

    This morning – “Don’t poke your sister’s eyes out,” as Phoebe was pointing Sophie’s facial features out to her. “Nose! Mouth! Eyes!…”

  10. on September 16, 2009 at 8:43 am | Permalink

    Oh, gosh, yes. We get a lot of “Don’t stick that in your sister’s mouth/eyes/ears!”

  11. on September 16, 2009 at 9:38 am | Permalink

    That too, I’m sure. Phoebe has tried to “share” her food with Sophie well before Sophie could even eat baby food, much less whatever the toddler was eating…

  12. Cathy
    on September 24, 2009 at 8:56 am | Permalink

    1. You are allowed to cry if you are hurt, scared or lost; you are not allowed to cry because you didn’t get your way.
    2. If company is coming over, you at least have to wear underpants.

  13. on September 24, 2009 at 9:03 am | Permalink

    #2 is hilarious.

  14. Joyous
    on September 24, 2009 at 2:26 pm | Permalink

    #2 is a rule I have to have with my husband…

  15. barryr
    on September 24, 2009 at 3:06 pm | Permalink

    Just in case you haven’t seen it, Lamentations of the Father by Ian Frazier:

    http://www.theatlantic.com/issues/97feb/frazier/frazier.htm

  16. on September 24, 2009 at 3:19 pm | Permalink

    Oh my goodness. I had not seen Lamentations of the Father, and it’s brilliant.