Hobbit 419

Dear MR BAGGINS, Fellow Conspirator,

I am Thorin Oakenshield, descendant of Thrain the Old and grandson of Thror who was King under the Mountain. I am writing you to discuss our plans, our ways, means, policy and devices for rescuing our treasure from the dragon Smaug.

During the reign of Thror our kingdom was a prosperous one. Kings used to send for our smiths, and reward even the least skillful most richly. Fathers would beg us to take their sons as apprentices, and pay us handsomely, especially in food-supplies, which we never bothered to grow or find for ourselves. Altogether those were good days for us, and the poorest of us had money to spend and to lend, and leisure to make beautiful things just for the fun of it, not to speak of the most marvellous and magical toys, the like of which is not to be found in the world now-a-days.

Undoubtedly that was what brought the dragon. Dragons steal gold and jewels from men and elves and dwarves, wherever they can find them; and they guard their plunder as long as they live (which is practically for ever, unless they are killed), and never enjoy a brass ring of it. There was a most specially greedy, strong and wicked worm called Smaug. One day he flew up into the air and came south. The dragon settled on our mountain in a spout of flame and routed out all the halls, and lanes, and tunnels, alleys, cellars, mansions and passages. After there were no dwarves left alive inside the mountain he took all their wealth for himself.

In view of this, I received your contact through a friend and counselor, an ingenious wizard, who noted you as a Burglar who wants a good job, plenty of Excitement and reasonable Reward. And I and my twelve companions have agreed to give you 10% of the total gold and jewels that the dragon Smaug now rests upon if you can join us on our long journey. When you have agreed please tell us the place where you dwell and send one hundred pence so that we might travel to you.

Please hold what I have told you in strict confidence and I look forward to your earliest response.

THORIN OAKENSHIELD

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23 Comments

  1. on September 24, 2009 at 2:02 pm | Permalink

    That’s just absolutely brilliant! I frakking love you!!!!

  2. on September 24, 2009 at 2:23 pm | Permalink

    hehe, classic stuff. You have forced my hand, time to re-read The Hobbit.

  3. on September 24, 2009 at 3:34 pm | Permalink

    Awesome

  4. Bilbo Baggins
    on September 24, 2009 at 4:03 pm | Permalink

    The hundred pence is in the mail.

  5. tommy
    on September 24, 2009 at 5:05 pm | Permalink

    1/14 is not 10%. Funny idea that could use some more thought. I will try to make time.

    T

  6. on September 24, 2009 at 5:35 pm | Permalink

    That’s how you know they’re on the up and up. They’re willing to offer MR BAGGINS more than his fair share. It’s no 30% as is traditional in 419 scams, but it’s still better than then 7% he is in theory due.

  7. Laura Nass
    on September 24, 2009 at 6:23 pm | Permalink

    That’s great! Some bit you can add is a short list of information for the recipient to send (“only to my email address: xyz@gmail.com“, not the address from which this request was sent), which must begin with “Full names” (sic).

    –H

  8. Glen
    on September 24, 2009 at 7:21 pm | Permalink

    Ah, so that’s the secret to Stephen’s fortune.

  9. Thoren Oakenshield
    on September 24, 2009 at 10:15 pm | Permalink

    Hey! Give me a break! A hobbit has to make a living somehow.

  10. on September 24, 2009 at 10:57 pm | Permalink

    wasn’t it “…a sout of green flame”? There, how many computer geeks know that!

  11. Dave Choat
    on September 25, 2009 at 9:06 am | Permalink

    Fabulous but real 419s have some hilarious typos and grammatical constructs. Add for versimilitude.

  12. on September 25, 2009 at 10:48 am | Permalink

    Good thing he didn’t ask for Bilbo’s bank account number.

  13. BILL OGEDENGBE
    on September 25, 2009 at 11:22 am | Permalink

    I AM THE DESCENDANT OF KING ODAYON “THORIN” OGEDENGBE OF THE EDO (BENIN) PEOPLE. I WANT TO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR UNCOVERING THIS SECRET CONNECTION TO MR.TOLKIEN WHOSE SON MR.CHRISTOPHER TOLKIEN WILL NOW HAVE TO PAY ME $10’000’000. IF YOU HELP ME IN THIS, YOU WILL RECEIVE $1’000’000 AS A CONCULTANCY FEE. FIRST I ASK YOU TO SEE MY BLOG, AND THEN SEND ME YOUR BANKING INFORMATION.

    http://nigerianprince.livejournal.com/

  14. on September 25, 2009 at 12:02 pm | Permalink

    Very funny! BTW, I think that’s “grenades”, they are explodier… :)

  15. Some FuzzyFoot
    on September 25, 2009 at 12:49 pm | Permalink

    No way. Everything is spelled correctly, and is essentiall gramatical.
    When has that ever happened in a 419?

  16. on September 25, 2009 at 12:51 pm | Permalink

    That made my day. Classic.

  17. pureawesome
    on September 25, 2009 at 10:38 pm | Permalink

    This is so great. But a simple round trip-translation to French and back adds the essential 419 feel. Add some spelling mistakes and its golden.

    Cher Mr. BAGGINS, similar conspirator, I am Thorin Oakenshield, descendant of Thrain the old man and grandson of Thror which was king under the mountain. I write to you to discuss our plans, our ways, means, policy and devices to save our treasure of the Smaug dragon. During the reign of Thror our kingdom was prosperous. Kings used to send for our blacksmiths, and to most richly reward even less the skilful one. The fathers would ask us to take their sons like apprentices, and pay us liberally, particularly in the food-provisioning, which we never took the trouble to develop us or find for ourselves. Completely such were beautiful days for us, and poorest of us had the money to spend and lend, and of the leisures to make beautiful things right for the recreation of him, without speaking of the most marvellous toys and most magic, similar of which is not to be found in the world nowadays. Undoubtedly it was what brought the dragon. The dragons steal the gold and of the jewels of the men and the elves and the dwarves, everywhere where they can find them; and they keep their plundering as long as they live (which is practically forever, unless they are destroyed), and never appreciate a brass loop of it. There was an earthworm most particularly avid, extremely and bad called Smaug. One day it flew upwards in the air and came from to the south. The dragon arranged on our mountain in a nozzle of flame and led all the halls outside, and of the lanes, and the tunnels, the lanes, the cellars, the manors and the passages. After there was no alive dwarf left inside the mountain it took all their richness for. Because of this, I received your contact by a friend and an adviser, a clever magician, who noted you as a burglar who wants a good work, the abundance of the excitation and the reasonable reward. And I and my twelve companions agreed to give you 10% of all gold and the jewels these Smaug dragon rests now at the time if you can join to us on our long voyage. When you agreed please tell us the place where you remain and send hundred penny so that we could travel you. Please be held what I said to you in strict confidence and I await with interest your first answer. THORIN OAKENSHIELD

  18. on September 26, 2009 at 11:25 am | Permalink

    Dude, I am Licuriciu’, from Romania. I just finished reading The Hobbit and i searched for #thehobbit on twitter, finding you. Just wanted to tell you that you officially made a brighter day for someone at the other end of the world! Thanks :)

  19. on September 26, 2009 at 12:55 pm | Permalink

    Some FuzzyFoot and pureawesome: I wanted to use as much of Tolkien’s original language as possible, but the language-mangled version is pretty funny.

    Licuriciu: thanks!

  20. BBag
    on September 27, 2009 at 12:54 am | Permalink

    Dear M. Oakenshield,

    While the prospect of 10% of a dragon’s hoard sounds very intriguing, I’m afraid that I have no need of any treasure. I am already one of the richest hobbits in the shire and live very comfortably. I note that you refere to me as a burgler and I must object most strenuously against that title as neither myself or any of my ancestors has ever lived a life of crime outside a few snitched pies in our tweens.

    You have indicated that you recieved my name form that wandering vagabond Gandalf. He has been through the neighborhood a few times. Let me tell you that if he shows up again I will have some words with him about distributing my address to merchants and busybodies. I have even been getting regular visits from an Underhill from Bree wanting to sell me a dog (He calls it a “Home Security System”). Nevertheless, If you are ever in the neighborhood, I would love to have you for dinner to learn more of your plight. It sounds fascinating.

    Regretfully,

    Bilbo Baggins

  21. Lisa
    on September 27, 2009 at 12:04 pm | Permalink

    I’m still chuckling and it’s day two.
    :-)

  22. gw
    on October 23, 2009 at 10:21 am | Permalink

    Money leads to greed! I know a person who makes $120,000 per year who fell for the nigerian scam. I should send her this website.

  23. on October 23, 2009 at 12:12 pm | Permalink

    But does this person have a ring? This is crucial for our future endeavors.

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