More of My Cross-Stitch Addiction

I’d love to say this was an update on my current project. Where I show you that I’ve gotten scads and scads accomplished on my dragon piece. But mostly I’ve not felt up to working on it much, maybe an hour a night, if I’m lucky and don’t fall asleep draped across my cross-stitch stand.

But mostly this is just to show off what I bought with my birthday money. Stephen’s mom knows me well, she handed me a check and said spend it on cross-stitch. Woot! So I did! And the two pieces on left came in just today.

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Thanks MR & PR, I really enjoyed my shopping! And will probably enjoy working on the pieces, in 2012, when I get around to them.

Making Videos for Dragon*ConTV

For the past three years, I’ve been helping out with Dragon*ConTV. DCTV produces short videos riffing on SF and fantasy for the Dragon*Con SF/fantasy convention. Since Dragon*Con focuses on TV and film, the DCTV spots mostly spoof shows like Star Trek or movies like The Matrix rather than books. The DCTV videos play before panels and costume contests, and are shown while people are standing in line to register for the convention. They’re meant to amuse and entertain those who are geeky enough to go to a SF/fantasy convention.

Over three years of writing scripts, helping film and edit the videos, and “acting” in them, I’ve learned a lot about doing short comedy. Especially since watching Aaron Sorkin’s new show, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, which has involved a lot of very unfunny sketches, I’ve been wanting to write about what I and the other DCTV people have learned.

The DCTV videos include “bumpers,” short text segments used in between the videos. I’ll talk about them later, since they involve a different set of skills. I’ll also be discussing the videos in depth, spoiling their surprises. I’ll link to the videos as I go, so you can watch them before reading about them if you want.

Shorter is Better

It took us a while to learn this lesson. In 2004 we did a full thirty-minute newscast. WDCN Channel 16 Action News (parts one, two, and three) ran before the Masquerade costume contest. It was entirely too long and too boring. Sustaining a parody’s setting over thirty minutes is hard. Even sustaining it over two minutes is stretching things. We’ve all seen the SNL sketches that needed to be put out of their misery long before they concluded.

Dragon*Con exacerbates this tendency. The DCTV videos are shown before panels and costume contests. People are milling about and talking with their friends and in general not watching raptly. Videos that are under two minutes work best in this environment.

The short form works to our advantage: we can run through a lot of different jokes, formats, and styles. By mixing things up, we can keep people interested longer, and the bits that die are shuffled off stage before the smell of them decomposing fills the auditorium.

No, Really, Make It Much Shorter

Not only should the running time be as short as possible, the editing should be as tight as possible. Eliminate pauses and gaps, unless they’re part of the joke. This kind of humor works much better when it’s rapid-fire. Movies and television have been getting more and more tightly edited as time has gone on. Watch an older movie like A Man For All Seasons — or even Star Wars! — and notice how much more relaxed its pacing is.

Take Unpimp My Space Station, a spoof of the VW “unpimp my ride” commercials from earlier this year. The first edit Brian did was nearly a minute long. The final version takes thirty seconds. If you watch any of the original commercials on YouTube, you’ll see the same sort of quick editing. The minute-long video was flabby and unfunny; the trimmed version works much better.

A Funny Concept Isn’t Enough

We have a bad habit of coming up with a funny concept and then not adding in any jokes. One example of this is Blood Train. Amusing concept, but lacking in jokes beyond “Klingons dancing”. Audiences didn’t laugh much. For another example, this one entirely my fault, see The More You Know: Mutants.

Once we’ve got the concept, we have to add in jokes. If the concept is the joke, you can’t do what we did with Blood Train and give the title, then keep going. You have to delay the reveal for as long as possible. Red Shirt Diaries is the classic version of this. There are some funny bits in the setup, but showing the title as the last thing is the reveal that got all of the laughs and groans.

Don’t Write Past the Joke

End strongly. This is related to the last point since, if your concept is your joke, you don’t want to give it away early. Writing past the joke works if you’re writing a long piece. It doesn’t work here. In commercials, we often let taglines to do the heavy lifting. For Soylent Green Baby Food, the first joke is the name of the baby food itself, which shows up halfway through. The other big laugh occurs when the tagline appears: “Soylent Green is people…people who love your baby“. The same is true for Swears Unlimited. That video may not have gotten many laughs, but the tagline reliably made people chuckle.

Different Audiences Will Appreciate Different Things

In 2005 we had a video called AT-AT: Like Nothing Else. We made fun of Hummers and H2s by replacing them in the ad with an AT-AT.

It bombed. No one laughed.

Regardless, we showed it again this year. And that time it killed. People howled. And I have no idea why it worked this year and not last year.

This is why it’s good to have short videos. Don’t like the current one? A new one will be along in a minute. Many different fandoms go to Dragon*Con. This year Brian created individual DVDs with themed collections of videos for various track rooms — the rooms where specific fandoms meet. There was a DVD for the Star Trek crowd, another for the Firefly contingent, and so on. In the big crowd events, mixing up the videos means you won’t lose the entire crowd except for those into Pernese shoulder dragons.

It’s Okay To Be Unfunny

It’s easy to fall into a rut. Within certain narrow confines, the audience at Dragon*Con is easy to please, and happy to laugh at the same kinds of things from year to year. If we’re only concerned with making the audience laugh and nothing else, we run the risk of stagnating.

My favorite DCTV video of all time is Tey Liv, a commercial for sunglasses that references a bad SF movie from the late 1980s. It never got many laughs, but I don’t want us to stop doing the occasional obscure joke like this.

Don’t Depend Solely on Verbal Jokes

Brian Richardson and I do a lot of the writing for the DCTV videos. We’re both very verbal people, so we tend to lean heavily on spoken jokes. Swears Unlimited is the worst offender in that regard. The thing is, it can be hard to follow what’s being said in large ballrooms. More importantly, physical humor is funny, and if we were to ignore it, we’d limit the jokes we can do. Tribbles on a Ship is completely redeemed by the physical bit near the end, and that joke consistently got big laughs. Ditto Trading Species: the aliens don’t talk, so all of the funny comes from their physical antics.

Pacing is Hard

Getting the pacing in a video right can be tough. I’ve got a theatre background, so I think of pacing in terms of beats, but it’s akin to e.g. the structure/setup/punchline approach of stand-up comedy. What do you want to say, and how do you want to say it?

I’ve mentioned that DCTV videos are short and tightly-edited. That can make pacing difficult. A good (and short!) example of pacing is XTEL. It’s got two jokes in there, and they get in, deliver the funny, and get out.

For a more extended example, let’s break down Cthulhu’s Clues, my parody of Blue’s Clues. A quick overview of the sketch:

  • Title slide
  • Host looks for a clue
  • Host pulls out the handy-dandy Necronomicon
  • Host mentions the thinking pit
  • Host sings while Blue appears
  • Host runs around. Blue flies, then barks

Since this is a longer piece, I alternated between set-up and joke until the end. The title slide gets a laugh. Then the clue-searching sets up the world. You get to ease into the look and feel of a Blue’s Clues episode. It’s longer than the other bits to build anticipation. The Necronomicon is the first big laugh, and is short to emphasize the joke. The thinking pit sets up the next scene where Blue appears, which always got some laughs. The host running off-stage leaves Blue as the focus, preparing for Blue’s barking by herself, which is the other big laugh. Then it ends the one-two punch of the host running across the screen in a Komedy Kallback, and Blue exiting stage right with a cartoonish FWEEP! noise. It’s not perfect, and there are things I’d do differently if we were to film it again, but I’m still pleased with the pacing overall.

Boil Things Down to Their Essence

For the major jokes, we lean on the parts of a show that have become iconic. For more current shows and movies we have more leeway, but as a series or movie ages, only certain things lodge in fandom’s memory. For instance, if I’m riffing on the X-Files, I wouldn’t depend on the Lariat car rental company to produce big laughs. Instead I’d stick with things like the I WANT TO BELIEVE poster that are better remembered today. We’ve seen that with our Matrix spoof The Blue Pill. It got a lot of laughs when it premiered in 2004. In 2005 it got fewer laughs, and nearly flopped in 2006. The name alone is no longer enough to trigger people’s memory of The Matrix.

I thought hard about this for Cthulhu’s Clues. Iconic elements of Lovecraftian horror that people remember are the name Cthulhu, Cthulhu’s wings and tentacles, and the Necronomicon. For Blue’s Clues, there’s the look of the show, the handy-dandy notebook, and the clues themselves. All of the jokes that depend on Blue’s Clues or Cthulhu use those elements.

Throw In Extra Bits

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t throw in references for die-hard fans or the truly observant. In Cthulhu’s Clues, the fridge magnets are all “IA”, and the bottom picture on the refrigerator is of a shoggoth. The top picture, the one with the clue attached, is a crayon drawing of the Dragon*Con dragon, and the picture on the table in the next scene is a bunch of Stormtroopers. The Thinking Pit is a riff on the Thinking Chair Blue’s Clues. None of this got big laughs, but some people did notice the little details.

News Just Isn’t Funny

Even after the thirty-minute newscast in 2004, we tried news again in 2005 with DOX News. We wrote news crawls, came up with full-blown news items…and no one laughed. We’re clearly not The Onion or The Daily Show. The only thing that consistently got laughs was the Superhero steroid hearings, and that for its one specific Super Friends reference.

No Son of Mine’s Gonna Be No Wimp, No Sir

All parents think their children are the smartest, cutest, most clever kids that ever were and ever will be, and we are no exception. Eli is a paragon of toddlerhood. Of course, being a paragon is hard work, and on occasion Eli has to take a break from awesomeness.

Take last week, for instance. Eli climbed up on a short stool at Misty’s dad’s house, then proceeded to tip it over. The stool had four legs, with green iron leaves and vines curling among them. Eli cut one hand open on a leaf. The cut was right at the V between thumb and forefinger, and was wide but shallow. The bleeding stopped soon.

The whining went on for a bit, though. We slapped a band-aid on the wound. “Look, Eli! It’s Nemo! Nemo is helping you feel better!” Eli would stop crying for a minute or so. Then he would look at the band-aid on his left hand, a thoughtful look spreading across his face, and poke the band-aid hard with his right forefinger. “Owwwww!” he would cry, tears rolling down his face. “My hand hurts!”

Then the band-aid was bothering him. “Take it off,” he told us, still crying, pulling ineffectually at the band-aid. When we took it off he went back to poking a fingernail in the wound every few minutes, and oh! the wailing! The gnashing of teeth! Why wouldn’t the cruel world stop forcing him to jab his scratch with a dirty fingernail?

We went through several rounds of bandaging the wound and then removing the band-aid. At one point Eli was riding in the car, his thumb stuck straight up like he was trying to hitch-hike from his car seat. He would forget about the wound, stop crying, pick something up, and shriek like we had taken a blowtorch to Elmo.

It took two days before he stopped sniffling every time his wounded hand touched anything, including the air. He still pokes at the healed hand even now and frowns. “Ow, my hand hurts!” He has become the boy who cried Ow.

The Increasingly Long List of my Body Parts that Don’t Like to be Pregnant

When I was pregnant with Eli I developed carpal tunnel syndrome. Some 28% of women develop carpal tunnel during pregnancy but it usually goes away after birth. Not so for me. I was one of the lucky few that got to keep the carpal tunnel as a parting gift. Now, I can’t complain too much because I fall into the high risk categories for carpal tunnel syndrome and managed to avoid it for many, many years before I was pregnant. I work at the computer A LOT. And when I’m not working on the computer, I do lots of crafts where I use my hands repetitively. So, okay, I’ve learned to manage this by going to the chiropractor. After two years I have gone from having pain in the outside three fingers of both hands for about 65-75% of the time down to an extremely manageable amount of pain in my left hand only for about 5% of the time, and I can predict with certainty which activities will cause the pain and try to avoid them. (Mostly holding the phone to my ear for hours at a time. I guess all those marathon phone chats while I was a teen didn’t do me any favors.)

So, on to this pregnancy. I have often claimed that we mothers block out the unpleasant events of both pregnancy and labor simply because if we remembered with any clarity what it was like we would never be pregnant again. I honestly don’t remember feeling this constantly rotten the first time around but Stephen claims that I did and that indeed I don’t remember how bad it was. I had morning sickness with Eli but on looking back it seemed much more manageable to me. I would feel queasy first thing in the morning, drink my orange juice, throw up said juice, and then be ready to roll for the day.

This time around I have near-constant nausea. I need to eat immediately in the morning to keep from feeling queasy. I can’t drink any artificial sweetener–that makes me queasy. Drinking drinks that are too sweet makes me queasy. Water tastes nasty. Cooking and smelling my own food makes me queasy (how wrong is that!?!?!) to the point that I then can’t eat the cooked meal without throwing it up. These past three weeks my diet has consisted almost entirely of fast food. I know, I know, great nutrition, but I promise I’ll do better when I don’t yack at every mention of spicy food.

Last night my left eye started itching. I’ve very careful with that sort of thing because I have very sensitive, specially made, fitted-specifically-for-my-eyeballs contact lenses. I’ve learned the hard way to not rub my eye when they itch because that leads to a torn contact and six weeks of waiting for a new contact to be hand lathed by the optometric elves and much extra $$$ being spent. So I went to take them out immediately. When I saw my eye in the mirror I nearly had a cow. The white part of my eye was bloody. I was concerned but I know the eye heals quickly so I thought I’d go to bed and see what it looked like this morning.

This morning, it looked better. So I threw my contacts in and started getting ready for the day. Within half an hour my eye had regressed and my contact was itching again. So I called my optometrist and they squeezed me in first thing this morning. And you guessed it, I have pregnancy-related sub-white-part-of-the-eye-hematoma. It’s from throwing up and coughing and it’s fairly common for women with morning sickness to have either one or both of their eyes do this.

The upside: no permanent harm. The bloody eye will go away in about two to three weeks. I can put cold eye drops in my eye and put an ice pack on it a couple of times a day to reduce the swelling.

The downside: no contacts for a week. That in and of itself is nearly capital punishment to me.

Stay tuned for which body part goes next! It’ll probably be my mind, so comfort Stephen while you can.

I Don’t See That Here

Since I play and write interactive fiction, I’ve compared Eli’s grasp of English to IF parsers before. He’s progressed beyond the Scott Adams two-word parser, though now he is like a parser that pretends to know words it doesn’t.

ME: Do your eyes hurt?
ELI: No.
ME: Does your nose hurt?
ELI: No.
ME: Do your knees hurt?
ELI: No.
ME: Do your mitochondria hurt?
ELI: No.

He may have been correct, but he did have a fifty-fifty chance of guessing correctly.

We Tried to Prevent This, Honest

Eli has a toy microphone that also plays various tunes. Just now he pressed the button that makes it play a song. A tinny electronic version of “Yankee Doodle Dandy” came from the microphone’s attached speaker. “Daddy!” he said excitedly. “It’s Barney!”

Introducing Granade 2.0

Because our lives weren’t already complicated enough. Because we wanted to do something with those spare few dollars. Because we’re from Arkansas and don’t really understand how these things happen. We present you with Granade 2.0. Making an appearence in early May 2007.

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Friday Night Videos: Breakin’

Dirty Vegas: Days Go By (2002)

I have no idea why I find this video so poignant, and yet I do. Besides, the two dancers are rad.

Malcom McLaren: Buffalo Gals (1982)

It’s amusing that Buffalo Gals, the first breakdancing video shown on MTV, was a product of a white guy — from the UK, no less! I guess if raiding black culture for the white mainstream was okay for Elvis, it was okay for Malcom McLaren. It’s also interesting that Buffalo Gals takes a song that came from the blackface minstrel tradition and that later became used in squaredancing and turns it into a hip-hop song. This video is just one giant layer cake of juxtaposition.

A Physicist Grumbles About Jericho: Static Electricity

I had a big long rant queued up about how Jericho used static electricity and gasoline to build tension, only they got everything all wrong when they had little MissGyver warn the main character and his friend not to unscrew the cap of the steel pesticide container full of gasoline because unscrewing that cap would cause a spark due to static electricity….

And then I realized I could sum up the problem in three very short paragraphs. Ready?

Scuff across a carpet in your socks and touch someone. The static electricity shocks them, right?

Now scuff across a carpet in your socks and touch your right hand to your left hand. No shock!

The tank is your right hand. Its cap is your left hand.

For bonus points, explain why knocking a steel cap off of the tank with a steel crowbar is bad when you’re worried about sparks. Show your work.